The Conflicted Mind

Edited Title: Word Vomit

I’m Tired. Tired of thinking all the time. Tired of the overwhelming weight of the world. But is it all the world’s fault or is it me and this matter of brain inside my head. The thinking doesn’t stop. It is never ending. I had been suppressing these things. I had little rolled up bundles of joy that were numbing the pain one breath at a time. It was my identity. It was me. And now this shift has been hard. At first new. Then hard but in the I haven’t felt in a while so any feelings at all feel good. Feel warranted. Maybe that’s a better word for it. But now my brain is tired. Because the thoughts won't turn off. They’re taking away from time that can be constructive. They are taking advantage of the good and blessed things I have in my life and are ignoring them. They’re wasting time trying to solve a puzzle that can't be done. They are confused about where to go, panicking, swarming around bouncing off each other with no place to land and settle down. Like dust in a sandstorm that could just lay down to rest if the wind would finally stop. Was it this way before? No, it couldn’t have been. Yes? Maybe it was. Were your techniques to deal better? Were you just younger? You were a different person. This is also part of it. No, you still are that same person. I thought you were going to quit saying that. Why are you wasting your time thinking away about such insignificant topics? It’s selfish. You have become more selfish. It doesn’t make you feel really any much better. Boundaries maybe have become a little better. No, they definitely have. But they're still so bad. And the coping is not good. You need to move on. You know you love yourself. That’s good but you just won't move on. Why do you constantly need that outside reassurance? Do we all in our own ways or are some of us really just looking for it more than others? Regardless, it doesn't matter if you need to stop. You need to paint. You need to create. You need to continue to set goals. You need to create your goals for this year. You’re in a routine now. Not a bad one but it could also be better. You need to continue to check those things off your list. Where is your list? You haven't looked at it in a while. You need to do a little check in on that. And your plans for crafting this weekend. Now there is no time for that. It is okay you've made mistakes. You know how you are so don’t be surprised by it. Guilt is good. This is too much. But I am tired of even thinking about how the guilt needs to stop. But then how do I make it stop? Why do you hear one thing you like and then latch on to it like you do? Why do you latch on to people and completely forget about every old opinion you've ever had. I’m tired. Did this make you feel better? Or did it only allow you to fully indulge in the thoughts you know so well you need to let go. I think you're close. It’s kinda funny, a little bit of guilt is good. It keeps you humble. But just a little too much makes everything more sufferable than it needs to be. No, it really didn’t help. But hey guess what? I love you.